Is Gentle Parenting Killing Us?
As a therapist, I often encounter clients wrestling with the pressures of modern parenting. Among the most debated approaches is gentle parenting—a method emphasizing empathy, respect, and positive reinforcement. While its intentions are rooted in compassion and fostering emotional intelligence in children, a pressing question arises: Is gentle parenting inadvertently harming the parents' well-being?
Let’s unpack this question from a therapeutic perspective.
The Gentle Parenting Appeal
Remember time outs as a kid? No? Just my parents?! I remember being isolated from the family and sitting in feelings of shame and loneliness. These feelings were more pervasive then reflecting upon or distinguishing the unwanted behavior. Gentle parenting presents an alternative to punitive or authoritarian styles, focusing on connection rather than control. Its principles include:
Empathy: Seeing the child’s perspective and validating their feelings.
Emotional regulation: Helping children navigate big emotions without fear or shame.
Non-punitive discipline: Guiding behavior with positive reinforcement and natural consequences.
In theory, this approach fosters secure attachments, emotional intelligence, and healthier family dynamics. Who wouldn’t want these outcomes?
But theory doesn’t always match the day-to-day reality of parenting, where emotions run high, exhaustion takes over, and perfection feels impossible.
The Emotional Cost to Parents
Gentle parenting is not the same as permissive parenting. There are still age-appropriate consequences that correspond to a child’s behavior. It links accountability for the child with deep connection to the parent. But maintaining this connection after your toddler throws the remote at your head when you tell them screen time is over…can be difficult.
Gentle parenting discourages yelling (even after said remote incident) as it views yelling as ineffective as it relies on fear and triggers a child’s stress response, which can lead to shutting down, increased anxiety, strain to the parent-child bond or power struggles. Instead the approach encourages parents to remain calm when addressing the behavior connect and redirect to find better solutions, set clear rule and boundaries, and offers self-regulation for teh parents.
Gentle parenting often requires a significant investment of emotional energy. For some parents, it becomes an all-encompassing commitment to perfect attunement to their child’s needs. This, coupled with societal pressures and the relentless stream of parenting advice, can lead to burnout.
Burnout and Mental Health
Research shows parental burnout is on the rise. A study in Frontiers in Psychology (2018) linked high parental involvement to emotional exhaustion. While gentle parenting is rooted in positive outcomes, its demands for constant emotional availability can leave parents feeling:
Overwhelmed: Striving to meet every emotional need of their child.
Guilty: Falling short of idealized standards of parenting perfection.
Isolated: Feeling no one else struggles as much with this approach.
As a therapist, I see clients grappling with guilt when they “fail” at gentle parenting. They internalize the belief that anything less than complete calmness, connection, and understanding is a parenting failure.
Is Social Media to Blame?
A significant contributor to these pressures is social media. Parenting influencers often present curated snapshots of their lives, unintentionally setting an unattainable bar for others. The influx of advice, hashtags like #gentleparenting, and judgmental comments can amplify feelings of inadequacy.
From a mental health perspective, social media’s role in perpetuating guilt is concerning. Parents feel as though they must adhere to an external standard, rather than trusting their instincts.
The Balance Between Parent and Child Needs
The key to sustainable parenting—gentle or otherwise—is balance. Parenting is a relationship, and like all relationships, it involves give and take. Boundaries can help to create a safe and respectful environment for parents and children. It’s okay to set limits to protect your energy and mental health. Research consistently shows that children benefit from caregivers who are emotionally healthy, even if they’re not perfect. In fact, imperfection is a powerful model for resilience and problem-solving.
Rather than striving for gentle parenting perfection, I encourage clients to focus on three essential pillars: self-compassion, values, and repair. First, self-compassion means recognizing that you are allowed to have bad days and that being a good parent doesn’t require you to be perfect every moment. Showing up for your children as both a parent and a human being can be a good thing for your family. Your children learn that you are also a person, with needs and wants, outside of them. This can help build a deeper empathy and understanding for others.
Values is what guides your family. Think of it like a roadmap of how you want your children to show up in the world. Instead of thinking of the expected action, what do I want my child to do, focus on the intended outcomes, who do I want my child to be. For example, family dinners. In theory, family dinners are great; they help strengthen connection and relationships, and bring everyone together over a home cooked meal. But in practice, if you’re killing yourself just to get a family meal together or your child refuses to sit at the table, so everyone is high stressed and dysregulated, are you really feeling connected? Probably not. If connection is the family value, then find a different ritual to connect over. Maybe it’s a family game or a weekly movie night.
Lastly, repair emphasizes that mistakes are inevitable in parenting, and what truly matters is how you reconnect and rebuild trust after a misstep with your child. Relationships are repairable, and it is never too late to go back and talk about something that you wish had gone better. With a calm mind, you can reflect on what happened, process differently, and find a way to move forward. By shifting the focus to these values, parents can navigate the challenges of parenting with greater resilience and authenticity.
A Call for Gentleness Toward Parents
Gentle parenting isn’t killing us, but an inflexible, guilt-ridden application of it might be. For it to succeed, it must include gentleness not just for children but also for parents.
The heart of the issue isn’t the approach itself but the societal pressures, unattainable standards, and personal expectations we attach to it. Gentle parenting isn’t about perfection—it’s about intention. Therefore, parents should feel empowered to adapt the principles of gentle parenting in ways that work for their unique family dynamics—and mental health.
Ultimately, the goal isn’t to raise perfect children or be perfect parents. It’s to create a balanced, loving environment where both child and parent can grow and thrive.